Now Opening

This is a weekend for hot redheads -- Alyson Hannigan and Julianne Moore -- but sadly, even their extreme hotness can't save us from the suckitude that is this weekend's opening movies.

Date Movie: Satirizing movies that weren't all that funny to begin with. I'll just wait for the unrated, uncorked, special edition DVD -- that way, my torture will be undiluted by the MPAA.

Eight Below: My wife wants to see this. She will cry at the end. So will I, but for completely different reasons.

Night Watch: The only good one on the list. In "Limited Cities", which means, no, no movie for you, Mr. Arkansan.

Freedomland: Julianne Moore emotes. Samuel Jackson wears his hat all cool-like. Together, they fight crime.